


'cause i can't fight this feeling anymore

by Stellonia



Category: To The Moon (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 10:31:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18134591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stellonia/pseuds/Stellonia
Summary: Neil knew about Eva’s PRA - Potential Relationship Assessment. It was a system she used to decide if she wanted to pursue a relationship with a specific person. Never in his wildest dreams, however, would he have imagined his name on it.





	'cause i can't fight this feeling anymore

Neil had known about the PRA since their freshman year of college.

He was over at her dorm room to study. They had become close enough friends that he could have just come over to visit if he wanted too, but he was never one to find excuses to leave his room. Studying with Eva was nice, though. She was almost always smarter than him (not that he’d admit it) and she’d hold him accountable if he slacked off.

So it was strange, that for once  _ she _ was slacking. She had set aside her lined notebooks for what looked to be a journal, tapping her pencil on the table softly.

“Hey, Neil, do you know how Andrew feels about environmental issues?”

He took a moment to process her bizarre question. Sure, he knew Andrew. He was in their mutual circle of friends. An anthropology major who just wouldn’t shut up about his favorite baseball team, but otherwise a pretty cool dude in Neil’s book. They didn’t talk that often.

“Nope,” he said. “Why would I know?”

“I just thought it might have come up in a conversation,” she said. 

He laughed. “Only you would think that the environment is something two casual friends would discuss. Remind me again, which planet did you come from?”

“Oh shut up.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ll just ask him myself.”

“Why do you need to know, anyway?”

She held her journal close to her chest and seemed to be sizing Neil up. With a firm look, she said, “I can and will withhold my assistance on all future classes if you share this secret. Understood, Watts?”

“I am kind of terrified about what kind of nuclear secret this is leading into,” he admitted. “But yeah, sure. I don’t share secrets that are important to people, I’m not  _ that _ much of a dick.”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “So there’s this thing I do - well, I made it. I call it a PRA. Potential Relationship Assessment. If there’s somebody who I’m interested in, I want know how they feel about certain issues before I start pursuing anything. So I have a list of issues, and I compile their stances.”

“Huh,” he said. “So you mean you’ll just… give up on Andrew if he has a different opinion on the Squirrel Protection Act of 2034?”

“That’s not a thing.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Okay. But, no, it’s - it’s not like that,” she said. “It’s not about sharing all of my opinions. It’s about making sure we agree enough on the important things. Like, there was this one girl - Eileen. From my philosophy course last semester. I thought she was smart and cute, but it turns out she’s vehemently against memory alteration technology. Which clearly would cause issues for us, so I never took it any further. And-”

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and looked bashfully out the window.

“The process ensures the feelings aren’t just temporary. It takes enough time that a fleeting attraction would pass before I could finish, and it means I’d get to know the person more intimately. Do you get it?”

Despite it sounding nerdy as hell… he did, actually. The principles behind it. Writing it all down seemed excessive, though.

“Kinda,” is what he said. “I just never worry too much about these sorts of things. I just rush straight in and worry about the aftermath later.”

(eventually, Eva would know him well enough to know that was a lie.)

(she would know him better than anybody else in the world. like the back of her hand, the other side of her very own coin.)

(but not quite yet.)

“To each their own.”

 

\---

 

“-V as in Victor, U as in Uniform, and S as in Sierra. The file should be in my Case Report folder, and-”

Eva coughed loudly over the phone, creating a rather unpleasant sound. 

“I’ve navigated a computer before, Eva,” Neil said. “Go get your rest. I just needed your password, I can do the rest of this stuff without you. I will endeavor to survive in your absence - though it ‘tis a herculean task. How shall I ever play video games in my office without you chiding me? Whom will I prank? Alas, I-”

She giggled hoarsely, which was a win in his book. “Okay, theatre dork.”

“Do I hear a tone of mockery in your voice?” He said with faux-offense. “Seriously, though - get better soon, okay Eva?”

“I will. Thank you, Neil,” she said. “Bye.”

“Bye,” he said. He waited for her to hang up. Something aches in his chest. Worry for her well-being (it’s just a cold), her absence in the office (she’ll be back soon), knowing how he feels (and still trying to ignore it). 

He shook his head. A miracle that he’s found something he likes less than work - feelings. So he focuses on the work.

He entered her password - “Sativus” - and decided he’ll definitely be looking that up later. He knows it has to be some embarrassingly Eva reference. The computer starts to boot up, achingly slow in its pace. 

He can only focus on the progress bar that inches its way across the screen for so long - meaning, not very long. So his eyes started to wander. Her desk has a picture of her, her sister, and her nephew, all smiling as they stand for a posed shot at an aquarium. Another is of him with her, just after they got accepted to SigCorp. They are smiling gleefully - Eva taking the selfie, while Neil does finger guns. 

They were so young back then. 

On the other side of her desk is a journal, lying open-faced. He doesn’t mean to read it - truly. His eyes just happen to read the text before he can fully process the ramifications of reading it. The same way one reads a billboard, not actively thinking about the process.

But once he read it, he keeps reading it and reading it - adjusting his glasses to account for what surely must be a mistake. But his sight does not fail him. Written in her neat handwriting:

 

_ PRA - NEIL WATTS _

 

His heartbeat rises rapidly, and a feeling of dread emerges, because shit, shit - he was not supposed to see this. He should not have seen this. She probably accidentally left it open. He accidentally looked at it. This was not meant for his eyes. And yet -

That isn’t even his biggest concern. Because right here is evidence, written clear in ink, that Dr. Eva Rosalene might return his feelings. That she might steal glances at him, too. She might feel a flutter whenever their hands touch. That maybe he invades her thoughts as often as she does his. 

It feels chimerical, like he’s surely misunderstanding. Maybe this was some kind of… prank entry. People do that in their journals, right? It’s possible that he didn’t even pass the test - or that this was just another one-off fantasy that she wanted to dismiss.

There are plenty of more logical explanations. 

He feels guilty, wanting to read more. But the Pandora’s Box has been opened, and he might as well gain full context.

Page after page, listing incredibly detailed information on him and his beliefs. Not one of them is inaccurate. He can’t remember her ever asking him about any of this stuff - it came up, sure, but they’d known each other for over ten years. 

It’s enrapturing to read. Almost like a moral report card. She remembered this stuff about him. Although, when he thinks about it - he could tell you how Eva felt on almost all of these topics. They agreed on many things, disagreed on many more - but he was receiving check-marks left and right.

When he finally gets to the end, she’s included a summation.

 

_ CONCLUSIONS: _

_ No disagreements on deal-breaking topics. 3 non-amicable disagreements in minor topics. On paper, an incredible match. _

_ That excuse is now gone, I suppose. My tried and true test is complete, so I must decide if I will pursue this. _

_ It’s very tempting. This could be the best decision of my life. _

_ However, the idea of mixing my professional and my personal life is daunting, and… _

_ Neil. I could lose Neil. _

 

Her handwriting faltered when she wrote his name.

 

_ I don’t know how to pursue a relationship with him without ruining everything. Having him in my life - as a lover or a friend - is the most important thing for me. I don’t want to consider a life without him. I don’t think things could ever go back to the way they were, if I miscalculate.  _

_ I’m not entirely certain the feeling is mutual. I suspect it is, but I am biased in this regard. Even if it is, he may not want to take the risk. There’s also the worry of starting a relationship and it not ending well. _

_ But inaction is inherently a choice, too. I do not want to come to my dying days and have my wish be him. I’d much rather have the real thing. Neil is brilliant. He’s funny and he’s clever. He brings light into my life and he’s an intellectual opponent worth debating. He forces me to consider other perspectives. He cares so much about helping people - I wish he’d just admit it.  _

_ He’s also  _ really  _ cute.  _

_ So… I think I’ll give this a shot. That is easier to write than it is to do, but I hope committing to it will give me strength. _

 

He stared at the page. His mind would catch on a sentence -  _ Neil is brilliant, Neil is brilliant, Neil is -  _ repeating it till he could no longer stand it. He felt heavy and light, all at the same time. Light, because of course - Eva Rosalene  _ liked  _ him.  _ Like _ liked him. It’s unexpected and it’s a truly poor decision on her part, but it’s exhilarating. He grinned, despite himself. 

But it sinks back in: he should not have found out this way. He had to tell her, he reasoned. Eventually. He couldn’t just hide something like this for the rest of their lives (the rest of  _ their  _ lives. holy shit. that’s on the table, now). If he told her later, she’d feel betrayed at his deceit. Rightfully, he supposed. 

He’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. He starts to think it through, once more from the beginning. He didn’t mean to read it, but since he saw it, he at least wanted to have full context-

“HEY, NEIL! HAVE YOU GOTTEN THE FILE YET?”

Roxie’s yell knocks him out of his reverie. He had completely forgotten about that. The computer had long finished loading. He types in a frenzy, hoping it would make him sound busy.

“Uh, almost! Just gimme a sec!”

He scrambled to retrieve the file - struggling to focus on anything other than Eva. He’s grateful that her desktop is so well-organized, and he doesn’t really have to think. He just goes through the motions. Transfer the files ( _ Eva likes him),  _ eject the hard-drive ( _ Eva thinks he’s brilliant),  _ hand it off to Roxie ( _ he really shouldn’t have found out this way). _

He sat on his office floor, back against the door. He wasn’t used to… feeling this much. About anything - let alone two conflicting emotions, both equally powerful. He had learned to guard his heart, to not get too attached to any hope. It’s how he deals with the job. He kept any emotion locked up, even from himself. Because this was what happened. Things got messy. 

Some temptation lurches within him to ignore it all. Things could stay the way they were. He wouldn’t have to worry about telling her or about balancing their professional and personal lives. He’s been able to cope with these feelings for years - this’ll make it harder, sure, but it would be worth forgoing the terror of change. She’d find somebody else, somebody smart and attractive and worthy of her love.

Somebody who wasn’t like him.

But he thinks back to the last part of her journal entry. When she said she doesn’t want to die having him as her regret. They’ve had so many patients do exactly that - spending their life longing for the one that got away. Those cases always fuck him up, because he can see himself in them. He knows that would be him.

He wishes he could talk to her about this. Not about the relationship thing, but about how he should deal with this awkward situation. It would defeat the point, obviously, but she always knew what to do in times like these.

He doesn’t know what he wants to do. But he realizes one thing: he wants to see Eva. Not to talk about it - he’s super not there yet - but just to be with her. 

He goes to his bosses office and asks for time off.

 

\---

 

“Neil? What’s wrong? Could you not find the file?”

“No, not that. Uh, I just haven’t been able to get any work done and I was wondering if - if  you were in the mood for some company?”

“You want to come visit?” 

“Yeah! Uh, again, only if you’re feeling up for it. I had vacation days to burn, so the boss was willing to give me some time off. Figured it was the right thing to do. I don’t wanna leave you alone and miserable on your deathbed, Eves.”

“How noble.”

A pause.

“But seriously… that’d be nice, Neil. I’d love to have you over.”

“I’ll see you soon.”  
  


_ \--- _

 

He knocked twice on her door. As he waits, he suddenly starts feeling very out of place. Who even comes to visit friends when they’re sick? It’d be one thing if he had brought her some chicken noodle soup, but here he was, empty-handed. What were they even going to do? Certainly not talk about  _ it,  _ the timing just wasn’t right. She was sick and didn’t need anything more to worry about and he was making excuses because he doesn’t know how to deal with this like an adult. 

He had some more self-loathing penciled into his schedule, but it was interrupted as Eva opened the door.

“Hey, come on in,” she said, her voice still hoarse. She had on a sweatshirt from their alma mater and her hair in a loose ponytail. Neil was struck - not for the first time - by just how beautiful she was. 

“How are you holding up?” He asked as she leads them into her living room.

“It’s not really a big deal. I mean, I’ve been better, but it’s not bad,” she said.

In her living room, an episode of Doctor Who was paused on her TV. On the larger of her two couches, there was a disturbed pile of blankets and a tissue box on the end table, presumably where she had been camping out. He noticed one bottle of water as well, but no mugs.

“Let me make you some tea,” he said.

“What,” she said, mouth agape. She seemed shocked. 

“Some tea. I want to make you some tea. I’m pretty sure you keep some tea on hand, and since you’re sick and I invited myself, I wanted to make it. What’s so hard to understand about that?”

“You,” she was almost laughing as she said it, but had a grave seriousness about her. “You, Dr. Neil Andrew Watt’s -”

“Ooh, you brought out the full name.”

“-  you are offering to make me tea. You, the man who somehow loves coffee even more than quippy Facebook moms. You want to make me _ tea _ ?”

He scoffed. “So that’s the issue? Eva, Eva. I would never betray my dearest coffee. Those funky little beans are still number one in flavor - but that’s not why you drink tea. It helps soothe your throat and recover your voice. It’s an ancient theatre kid recipe, passed down for generations. Trust me.”

“Okay,” she said. “I just didn’t expect it from you, that’s all.”

“I’m full of surprises,” he said. “Go rest, I’ll get it all taken care of.”

She studies him intently as if looking for something. And then she smiled. “Thank you, Neil.”

If he keeps seeing her smile like that, he’s probably going to die, so he sets off to her kitchen. It’s well organized, because  _ of course it is, _ and she has small pots of herbs growing in the window sill.

She’s got one of those fancy brewing machines that use the pods - just like the ones they have back in the office. He lets the machine do all the hard work while he looks through her fridge. She doesn’t seem to have lemon juice - which is a shame - but he finds honey in her pantry and that’ll work just as well. He adds a liberal amount, stirs until combined, and brings it out to her.

“Your tea, madame,” he said, presenting it with a flourish. 

“Why thank you, sir.” She took a sip. He looked at her expectantly.

“So…?”

“It’s great, Neil,” she said.

“I’m glad.”

And he is. Glad that he was able to help. Glad that she was happy. Glad to be near her. 

He sits down on the smaller couch, positioned catty-corner to Eva’s spot. They didn’t talk for a while. Normally, this would be fine. They were best friends. Sometimes there would just be a comfortable silence. But with everything that happened today, a tension weighed him down.   Eva looked contemplative, and she’d drink her tea occasionally, but didn’t seem uncomfortable. 

Should he start like, getting on his phone? Maybe she just wanted to relax but didn’t want to initiate it for fear of being rude. But if she didn’t want that, he’d be the rude one. 

Ugh. Social interaction was the worst.

The lighting suddenly changed - from her TV automatically going to sleep, and suddenly it hit him. Watching TV would be a perfect activity! They’d get to spend time together, she wouldn’t have to talk and hurt her voice, he wouldn’t have to mention how he accidentally read her journal.

“Do you wanna watch some TV?” He asked. “I saw some Doctor Who on there, and you know we could get deep in the paint there.”

“Yeah, that’d be fun, it’s just…” She trailed off, looking for the words. 

“It’s just... what? Is something wrong? Do you want me to leave, because that’s understandable, sometimes it's best to be alone when you’re sick, or-”

“No, no, it’s not that.” Her face looks serious. “Neil, why did you come?”

“I told you - I couldn’t really work without you, I was bored, and I wanted to comfort my dear friend in her time of need,” he said. “Do you doubt my sincerity, Dr. Rosalene?”

“But why come to me?” She’s known him long enough to see through his misdirection and cut straight to the question that will pierce his facade. “I’m not great company right now, Neil. I’m sick. If you were so bored, why not go home and play some video games?”

“I go home and play video games every day. I thought it’d be nice to get out of the house.”

She coughed, “Bullshit!”, and coughed once again, maintaining eye contact throughout. 

“There’s no need for cussing! I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say such crude words.”

“You have never once, in your entire life, wanted to ‘get out of the house’,” she said. “It’s not that I dislike your company. I really enjoy your companionship and the fact that you care - and I don’t doubt that you do care. I just know that something is wrong. You’re acting strange, Neil, and it’s worrying.”

“I-”

Eva is smart, she’s perceptive, and once she commits to something, she sees it through to the end. These were normally traits Neil loved about her, but right now they were a huge pain in the ass. 

He should have had some lie prepared. A cover story, a plan, literally anything other than what he did do: which is panic on the spot.

“Okay, Eva. Let’s suppose… somebody finds out a very important secret in a less than ideal manner. Not… unethical. If it’s morally gray, we’re talking a pretty light shade. So somebody found out this secret-”

“Can we drop the pretense this isn’t about you, Neil?”

“Fine. So I found out this secret by accident. This secret is about me, and it’s - it’s a good thing. Like, really good. But I feel shitty that I found out when it was supposed to be a secret, and I don’t know how to talk about it. I was lost and I didn’t know what to do, so, you know... “ He turned aside so he wouldn’t meet her gaze. “I did what I always do when I’m confused. I come to you.”

He glanced back towards her and saw her smiling softly. She took a sip of the tea. “I want to offer you advice, Neil, but it’s hard when you’re being so vague. I’d assume you wouldn’t want to share this secret, but can you at least tell me whose secret you found out? And via what method?”

“Uh, nope,” he said. His shoulders tensed up. “That… wouldn’t help. Trust me.”

“Okay… so the identity and the method must provide some clue as to the secret. But it wouldn’t really be a secret if I could guess it just be knowing who they are, would it?” She’s talking more to herself than to him, and Neil realizes right then and there he is screwed. Eva is determined to solve this mystery. Her brow is furrowed tightly, and his death approaches. “You found out this secret at work, I’d assume, since you sounded normal during our first phone call. If it was a company scandal, I don’t think you’d be so evasive. It’s not like that would be a good thing for you, anyway.”

“Sooo, Eves! Evie! Dreva! How about that Doctor Who offer? Doesn’t that sound fun?”

“Your temptations can’t distract me, Neil,” she said. “So it’s probably about a co-worker. You came in at 9, I presume - and you probably goofed around in your office until Roxie asked you for the Paladiknight file. You searched your computer, but you wouldn’t have found anything new there. You called me at 11:30 to ask for my password. You entered my office as-”

Her eyes went wide. 

The end was nigh - or at least that’s how Neil felt. His chest felt weighed down by the worry, the fear - the knowledge that they both can never undo this. This was a chapter of their lives was now definitively closed. Things would never be the same - he knew that, at least, if not much else.

“It was my secret, wasn’t it?” Her voice has a stillness to it. Almost calm, with a hint of apprehension. But not anger.

“Yes,” he said, his voice cracking. “Your journal was lying face-up on your desk, and I just… my eyes saw the words before I could think about not reading them.”

“And… which page did you see?” It doesn’t even seem like a question. She must already know the answer, but want to hear it from him. He looked away, unable to bear looking her in the eyes.    
  
“The PRA. Or, uh, my PRA, I guess. Once I saw the title I read through the entire assessment to make sure I didn’t jump to any conclusions. And if I didn’t feel the same way I wouldn’t have ever told you, I guess, but I wouldn’t - I don’t want to have a relationship with you that is built upon a lie. That’d be… lame.” 

“Huh.”

“What kind of a reaction is  _ huh?” _

“My first one,” she said. He still has no idea how she’s feeling. “Neil, could you stop looking away from me?”

“If I face you we’re actually going to have to talk.”

“Okay then. So we’ll actually have to talk,” she said as if it would be easy. “Ignoring it is going to be anxiety-inducing.”

“So would talking about it. There’s anxiety either way.”

“Exactly.” She sighed. “Neil, there’s a huge information gap here. You were able to read exactly how I felt about you. I’ve only got the vague reassurance that you have some sort of feelings. Do you think _I’m_ not terrified? I am. I’m terrified you don’t feel as serious as I do. I’m terrified that this won’t work out. But I want to try. So can we actually have this conversation?”

A small part of him provides the next quip.  _ You’re sick, you’re not in a place to talk for a while.  _ An escape pod. But he feels the invisible ultimatum. And Eva is right.

He wishes that he was ready to stop running. He’s not. But even unprepared, he starts to try.

He got up, sat beside her, and took off his glasses. He looked into her eyes.

“Okay. Let’s talk.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> catch me on tumblr at @farmersonlydotnet !
> 
> rosawatts really has come here for my whole heart, and after exhausting every fanfic, i figured i should Give Back. thank you to my gf for all of their contribution. for reading my wips, helping me out of writers block, and for your additions. 
> 
> comments are appreciated and loved.


End file.
